The question I continued to ask myself as I ventured into the divorce process with Crazy was, what should I expect? I figure out quickly that I should expect the cruelest behavior possible.
I was a stay at home mom when I left the crazy ex-husband last May. Almost a year later, and he still has not provided any financial support for our children. He has yet to make a single child support payment. Good thing I didn't ask for alimony right?! My best advice for anyone leaving a non-physically violent cluster B person is, plan... Plan.... Plan... Plan on how you will support yourself. Where will you work? How will you initially pay for your lawyer? Because it takes time and money to have the courts enforce these things. My ex is thousands of dollars in arrears and I’m still waiting for the court to enforce. Granted, he has had his license suspended and levies on anything he owns but at the end of the day, that doesn't pay for daycare.
I left Crazy May of 2015 after finding out about his newest conquest. He denied, denied, denied but this was not my first rodeo. I physically removed myself and our children from the situation. I learned from my lawyer that leaving the home was probably NOT a good idea. It did not matter to me at the time, it was either my sanity or keeping random junk from the house. He sold EVERYTHING we had owned to buy the new girl a wedding ring. He even sold our children's things and told them someone had broken into the house.
When his mother inquired why I had suddenly up and left, I told her about the girlfriend. He denied it to her then proceeded to call, me, my mother, and siblings over 50 times in an hour period. He was raging that I was a liar. This is the same girl he married the weekend of our divorce and their child was born this past April….
While I was gone I thought I was going to lose my mind. He called endlessly claiming I kidnapped the children, although he knew where we were just chose not to come by as he was busy with the new girl. He would not call for a week at a time then tell the kids I had kept the phone from them. He lied, he cheated, and he stole. If his behavior was bad during the marriage, leaving him had made him even more disheveled.
When he finally decided he wanted to pick up the children, he refused to return them. I was destroyed. I had never been away from the children for any length of time. When he realized that this behavior affected me, it became his go to move whenever I disagreed or refused a demand. He refused to return the children so many times it became an ongoing joke at the lawyers’ office. Mostly because when I didn’t react, the children showed up on my doorstep earlier than planned.
We agreed to a divorce and parenting plan at mediation. When I signed it drove him mad. He refused to sign an agreement that took us eight hours to come up with. He said it wasn’t fair and that he was unhappy and so forth. He then spent the good part of a month threatening to take me to court if I did not agree to pay his credit card bills. The bills he acquired with his girlfriend! He refused to return the children. He threatened with court. He called me endlessly. I never responded. I followed my lawyers’ advice, say nothing. Needless to say, he agreed and eventually signed.
Materially we didn’t own anything so the only thing I cared about was keeping the children from dysfunction. He gets them every other weekend and four nonconsecutive weeks of the summer. Although it is not in the agreement, I make sure the children contact him for special occasions at school because at the end of the day, the children love him. Limited contact helps the kids have a relationship with their father and their new sibling.
This is the sparks notes version of my time trying to leave Crazy. For anyone taking the first step in divorcing one of these monsters just remember you can do it. Be calm, serene, and rational. As my amazing lawyer said let him hang himself. Let his behavior speak louder than his words. A book that helped me through this time was Splitting by Bill Eddy. Everything he warned about came to fruition.
I wish I could tell you that it ends there. It doesn’t! I deal with this mans “emergencies” at least once a week. Although we have a very specific parenting plan that outlines our interaction; in a classic narcissistic manner, he still does what he wants, when he wants, and how he wants. The truth is, I feel I will never truly be free of him.
Monday, May 9, 2016
Sunday, May 1, 2016
The Very Beginning
I have decided I would like to start a blog to vent my feelings and frustrations about trying to become free from a person in the cluster B category. I am not sure where I want to start, so I guess I will go back to 2003 when I met Crazy.
There was something about him I couldn't quite put my finger on. I wasn't too thrilled about him at first but his persistence felt good. It felt AMAZING to have someone chase you. At the time I didn't have the life experience to know predatory people lived undetected and amongst us. Even at 20 years old I was naive, gullible, willing to believe the best in everyone. I mean, he didn’t look like a predator. He was handsome. Had goals. Had ambitions. He kept saying he loved me. That I was the one for him. He took me to fancy restaurants. He called me incessantly. He was there every morning. He was there every night. Within one month of knowing him, I was hooked. As many of you know, that is when bits and pieces of the truth will start to come out; when he knows you are hooked.
Around this time I actually through phone contact met his fiancée, the one he swore was in the past. The "bitch" who did not appreciate him and mistreated him. She cheated on him. She lied to him. She stole from him. I was nothing like her he promised me. She tried to warn me that he was a pathological liar. She told he had been in prison for stealing credit cards. He really wasn't going to medical school, he was expelled before completing a year of college for lack of grades. The relationship with his mother was "weird" and “mom” would never allow him to take responsibility for his actions. I remember listening to her in denial. I thanked her but for me it was too late. I was pregnant. I had known this man 3 months and I was head over heels in love and pregnant.
I know I have a lot of responsibility in how this story unfolds. I could have chosen to leave at that point. I could have chosen to give my child up for adoption. I could have chosen to be a single mother. I had options my 20 year old brain just couldn't see. My mother was a single mom and I HATED the idea of bringing a child into a broken family. Besides, he begged for my forgiveness. Had threatened to kill himself if I didn't talk to him. Promised me this would never happen again. He bought me an engagement ring. I honestly didn't even remember getting it. I joked about it for years, i couldn’t even remember how it got on my finger. Next thing I knew I was at the Bexar County Texas courthouse. We were married.
We were both in the army, he got his orders to Korea and I went to Ft Gordon Georgia. He begged me to leave the military, to get a “family chapter” so that I could have an honorable discharge and be with him in Korea. I said I would look into it, but never did. Although I had been hoping he was a better man and the mistakes he had made were in the past, I could not shake that nagging feeling. I am glad I went with my gut instinct because when I was 5 months pregnant his fiancée Sabrina called me one evening. She had rekindled her relationship with him while he was in Korea, she did not know he was married or that I was pregnant. They had a wedding date for the 14th of February. She apologized profusely and changed her number. She never allowed him to contact her again. I was devastated that he had lied again. Honestly, by the end of the marriage he had lied so much I just expected it.
I cannot remember for the life of me how he made me change my mind about filing for a divorce. I remember going to JAG and they said I had to wait until he was back in the states before I filed. I wanted nothing to do with him, but somehow he reentered my life. By the time our eldest child was born (yes we had 3 children together) I had completely forgiven him. He came back from overseas and moved into my apartment empty handed. I had to buy clothing for him because he said the military had misplaced his things. I am still not sure what happened to his belongings.
When my daughter was about 2 years old he asked if we could have another child. I reveled the idea because I love children, I wanted my daughter to have siblings, and to me it was a sign he had changed his ways. I was pregnant within a month of stopping birth control. Shortly after learning of my pregnancy, I also learned about Elizabeth another soldier he was seeing. I confronted him and her. The relationship stopped. Something still did not make sense, so I listened to his voicemail. It was another soldier named Deborah telling him how much she loved him. . I confronted him, her, and her husband. Her husband ensured the relationship would cease but I was broken. I never cheated on him. All I did was love him and my repayment was to be treated this way. Although I hated the idea of it at that point I wanted to get an abortion. A good friend at the time talked me out of it. I am glad she did. I gave birth to the most magnificent little boy.
My youngest daughter was a surprise. Something felt different in my relationship and when I confronted him about it he said he didn’t love me anymore. I was ok with that, and left to his mother’s house because she offered us shelter. After about 2 months of being at his mother’s house, he showed up like nothing had happened. I had not filed for divorce because I did not have the money. He begged me to come “home”. He said he was mistaken. He was going through some stuff. I wanted to believe him. Also, living with his mother didn’t feel quite right. Any steps I took towards independence were thwarted by her.
While I was in Tennessee, he had moved. We now lived in a 2 bedroom luxury apartment. Nothing about this place screamed family. He said all the new furniture was for me and the children. It didn’t make sense but I had nothing to go on. As you can probably guess by now, there was another woman. Her name was Jennifer. Jennifer was a beautiful 19 year old girl who was severely distraught at finding out about me. She had no idea I or the children even existed. He had given her a wedding ring. She offered to help me leave him at this time but the truth was I had no real education, no money, no job, and no support system. When I tried to leave him, he took the car keys, the money, and my cell phone. Once I had managed to get out the door but he took my then infant out of my arms and refused to return her to me unless I walked into the house. I screamed like a banshee for my baby in that parking lot. Then something inside of me broke. I just stopped crying and walked in. I just didn’t care anymore. I did not care what he did because I felt stuck. At that point, I started to go to school. My degree is what eventually helped me get out of this insanity.
The final girl was Hannah. Hannah is a sweet 24 year old woman he met last year. When I found out about her in May, I left. I filed for divorce in July and by October we were divorced. He had new supply. Hannah repeated the mistakes I made and became pregnant very quickly. They just had a daughter a few days ago. Hannah is wonderful to my children and honestly I am glad she is there because she was the reason he signed those divorce papers so quickly. Although you may think my story ends here, it doesn’t. It is only the beginning. If living with an abuser is bad, I honestly believe leaving one when you have children together is worse. That is what this blog will be about, navigating life with an abuser after the fact.
There was something about him I couldn't quite put my finger on. I wasn't too thrilled about him at first but his persistence felt good. It felt AMAZING to have someone chase you. At the time I didn't have the life experience to know predatory people lived undetected and amongst us. Even at 20 years old I was naive, gullible, willing to believe the best in everyone. I mean, he didn’t look like a predator. He was handsome. Had goals. Had ambitions. He kept saying he loved me. That I was the one for him. He took me to fancy restaurants. He called me incessantly. He was there every morning. He was there every night. Within one month of knowing him, I was hooked. As many of you know, that is when bits and pieces of the truth will start to come out; when he knows you are hooked.
Around this time I actually through phone contact met his fiancée, the one he swore was in the past. The "bitch" who did not appreciate him and mistreated him. She cheated on him. She lied to him. She stole from him. I was nothing like her he promised me. She tried to warn me that he was a pathological liar. She told he had been in prison for stealing credit cards. He really wasn't going to medical school, he was expelled before completing a year of college for lack of grades. The relationship with his mother was "weird" and “mom” would never allow him to take responsibility for his actions. I remember listening to her in denial. I thanked her but for me it was too late. I was pregnant. I had known this man 3 months and I was head over heels in love and pregnant.
I know I have a lot of responsibility in how this story unfolds. I could have chosen to leave at that point. I could have chosen to give my child up for adoption. I could have chosen to be a single mother. I had options my 20 year old brain just couldn't see. My mother was a single mom and I HATED the idea of bringing a child into a broken family. Besides, he begged for my forgiveness. Had threatened to kill himself if I didn't talk to him. Promised me this would never happen again. He bought me an engagement ring. I honestly didn't even remember getting it. I joked about it for years, i couldn’t even remember how it got on my finger. Next thing I knew I was at the Bexar County Texas courthouse. We were married.
We were both in the army, he got his orders to Korea and I went to Ft Gordon Georgia. He begged me to leave the military, to get a “family chapter” so that I could have an honorable discharge and be with him in Korea. I said I would look into it, but never did. Although I had been hoping he was a better man and the mistakes he had made were in the past, I could not shake that nagging feeling. I am glad I went with my gut instinct because when I was 5 months pregnant his fiancée Sabrina called me one evening. She had rekindled her relationship with him while he was in Korea, she did not know he was married or that I was pregnant. They had a wedding date for the 14th of February. She apologized profusely and changed her number. She never allowed him to contact her again. I was devastated that he had lied again. Honestly, by the end of the marriage he had lied so much I just expected it.
I cannot remember for the life of me how he made me change my mind about filing for a divorce. I remember going to JAG and they said I had to wait until he was back in the states before I filed. I wanted nothing to do with him, but somehow he reentered my life. By the time our eldest child was born (yes we had 3 children together) I had completely forgiven him. He came back from overseas and moved into my apartment empty handed. I had to buy clothing for him because he said the military had misplaced his things. I am still not sure what happened to his belongings.
When my daughter was about 2 years old he asked if we could have another child. I reveled the idea because I love children, I wanted my daughter to have siblings, and to me it was a sign he had changed his ways. I was pregnant within a month of stopping birth control. Shortly after learning of my pregnancy, I also learned about Elizabeth another soldier he was seeing. I confronted him and her. The relationship stopped. Something still did not make sense, so I listened to his voicemail. It was another soldier named Deborah telling him how much she loved him. . I confronted him, her, and her husband. Her husband ensured the relationship would cease but I was broken. I never cheated on him. All I did was love him and my repayment was to be treated this way. Although I hated the idea of it at that point I wanted to get an abortion. A good friend at the time talked me out of it. I am glad she did. I gave birth to the most magnificent little boy.
My youngest daughter was a surprise. Something felt different in my relationship and when I confronted him about it he said he didn’t love me anymore. I was ok with that, and left to his mother’s house because she offered us shelter. After about 2 months of being at his mother’s house, he showed up like nothing had happened. I had not filed for divorce because I did not have the money. He begged me to come “home”. He said he was mistaken. He was going through some stuff. I wanted to believe him. Also, living with his mother didn’t feel quite right. Any steps I took towards independence were thwarted by her.
While I was in Tennessee, he had moved. We now lived in a 2 bedroom luxury apartment. Nothing about this place screamed family. He said all the new furniture was for me and the children. It didn’t make sense but I had nothing to go on. As you can probably guess by now, there was another woman. Her name was Jennifer. Jennifer was a beautiful 19 year old girl who was severely distraught at finding out about me. She had no idea I or the children even existed. He had given her a wedding ring. She offered to help me leave him at this time but the truth was I had no real education, no money, no job, and no support system. When I tried to leave him, he took the car keys, the money, and my cell phone. Once I had managed to get out the door but he took my then infant out of my arms and refused to return her to me unless I walked into the house. I screamed like a banshee for my baby in that parking lot. Then something inside of me broke. I just stopped crying and walked in. I just didn’t care anymore. I did not care what he did because I felt stuck. At that point, I started to go to school. My degree is what eventually helped me get out of this insanity.
The final girl was Hannah. Hannah is a sweet 24 year old woman he met last year. When I found out about her in May, I left. I filed for divorce in July and by October we were divorced. He had new supply. Hannah repeated the mistakes I made and became pregnant very quickly. They just had a daughter a few days ago. Hannah is wonderful to my children and honestly I am glad she is there because she was the reason he signed those divorce papers so quickly. Although you may think my story ends here, it doesn’t. It is only the beginning. If living with an abuser is bad, I honestly believe leaving one when you have children together is worse. That is what this blog will be about, navigating life with an abuser after the fact.
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